A Midsummer's Ball Thoughts
by TheBoglies
Summary: Two points of view, Archie and Lexie. On the happenings of the Midsummer's Ball, written by Angelrose
1. Lexie

**A Mid-Summer Ball's Thoughts: Lexie**

I've blown it! There's no other way to put it, I've totally, completely blown it! I can't believe it! Archie stands there looking Drop Dead Gorgeous, tells me he loves me; the words I've been waiting for 3 long years to hear, the words that seemed an impossible dream just this morning. He proposed for Heaven's sake! What did I do in return? Drop those darn plates (which I'm surprised I didn't do anyway), throw my arms around him, accept & kiss him senseless? No, that's what I should have done, that's what I desperately wanted to do, but what did I do? I acted like some stupid teenager & panicked! I panicked & despite every fibre of being screaming 'Say Yes!' I heard my own voice say that I loved him but no. I heard myself (in a voice that didn't sound anything like mine), try to explain, to both of us, why I could never mak a Laird's wife. 

I let my fears & old insecurities get the better of me. I suddenly had an awful vision come up in my mind's eye of Stella & how much better she would look on Archie's arm, looking gorgeous & saying all the right things at some function or other. Being accepted by everyone (however posh), as the best possible wife for Archie & the best possible Lady Laird for Glen Bogle. If Stella had stayed, this place would run like clockwork in no time; Glen Bogle deserves that. But then the bank would never have given Archie back the deeds & pulled Stella out if she hadn't done what they sent her here to do. That's the thing about banks, they don't have hearts, they can't fall in love & change their mind's (even if the people who work for them can claim to have done just that). 

God knows, no-one could understand better than I do just how easy Archie MacDonald is to helplessly fall in love with! (Why else would I be standing here weeping fit to fill Loch Bogle 10 times over?) What I'll never understand though, & what's made me SO angry, is the way Stella went about trying to get him to love her back! That's the thing about love, you can't force someone to reciprocate. If you try, the whole thing just turns you into poison. At least, for all it's other faults, the whatever it was with Katrina was never forced! Did the high & mighty Ms. Moon really think that the way to Archie's heart was to build Glen Bogle up, only to tear it down again on the most important day for the Estate in 10 years? (I, of all people, should have seen what was coming & stopped her sooner!) Not only to do that, but to do it in front of the Bank, at least 2 other clan heads, & half of the most important people this side of Edinburgh, all so as to be there if & when Archie needed a shoulder to cry on?! 

If she did, then, for all her undoubted intelligence & financial know-how, she's even more soulless & desperate than I gave her credit for! Someday, maybe, when she's been gone for quite a while, I'll find it in my heart to feel pity for her; I hope so because I don't want my dislike of her to blight me, but right now, I can't promise anything. The way she treated Archie (not to mention the rest of us), was, after all, absolutely appalling! If nothing else, how could she ever have thought that the man she claimed to love would be so shallow? 

There's no doubt that Archie is plenty of things (not all of them good), but he is certainly not shallow! Had he been, he probably would have sold up the 1st chance he got, & headed back for his London restaurant with not a thought, oh, I know he started to often enough; but instead, in the end, he did the exact opposite. Though I know it was hard on him, when his brother died, he eventually came back up here, stayed to help his 'unusual' parents, & eventually let go of his own dreams for himself & started over. Not many people (son or no son), would or even could, have done that! Not the actions of a shallow man, by any stretch of the imagination! 

Oh, he can be stubborn & proud, sure, but who can't? His temper is much calmer (or his fuse is longer), than mine, yet I can't count the times he has appeared round the kitchen door (pretty much like earlier) with a cautious half-smile on his face, just when I was ready to be soothed or reassured. I don't know if he ever did that for Justine, Katrina or Stella, I don't care anymore, the point is he was there for me when I needed him. Nobody could deny Archie is a good friend as well as a good Laird. 

He hides it well, but I can see him squirm when someone calls him Laird. He is rightly proud of Glen Bogle, he loves it here now (however he felt at first), but the title & the expectations still weigh heavy on his shoulders. To him, it's still Jamie's birth-rite; a birth-rite he feels (wrongly), as though he has 'stolen' in some way. Damn it, it would help no end if a big part of Hector didn't feel that way to! Much as I like Katrina, her opinion of the 'aristocracy' didn't do much to help matters either! 

I see Archie's doubts most strongly when he goes into the village; he hardly ever goes alone & when he does go in, he sticks close to whomever he is with. People who don't know him can think he's being reserved & superior, but it's really just shyness & uncertainty. He knows that people see their Laird first & Archie McDonald second, in some ways they have to, but it only makes things harder on him. (If he knew how often I've defended him from charges of being aloof I don't know what he'd think!) 

None of the McDonald's has ever made me feel any less important than them, even though our backgrounds are so completely different. That's why I've always been so willing to defend them & Archie. The whole family has never really taken me (or anyone else on the Estate), for granted. They've earned my loyalty and respect & that means a lot to me. The day Archie became Clan Chief he asked me up onto the stage with everyone else as though I was one of the family. I even got to be there when Martha was born. People round here have long memories though, & Archie still feels a lot of the time as though he's being compared to his brother (which I'd bet the family silver he is, in private). I wish I could help him. 

If we were still friends maybe I could help him, but after today I truly don't what we are anymore. But when it comes down to it, we do both live here, so we'll have to find a way to talk to each other, eventually. If I had been a true friend, I could have taken him with me more often or something; shown him it's ok to be who he is, that who he is is good enough. Being who you are is all you can do. 

I know it's probably the last thing I should be thinking about or feeling this right now, (Hell! I don't know, what are you supposed to feel when you've just turned down a marriage proposal from the only man you'll ever truly love? Stupid, sad, in pain? Sign me up for all of the above & a whole lot more that I don't even want to think about!) but I do wish Archie had seen me in the gown, just once! I think it must have been ok from the look on Duncan's face when I tried it on. (Duncan is a good friend to for insisting I take his money like that). I still shudder with shame when I think of how I treated Duncan in the past, & yet he was still there, as a true friend, when I needed bailing out. 

Thinking about it though, going to the Ball today would have been like a living fairy-tale. Me, Lexie as a modern-day Cinderella to Archie's Prince Charming. It would have nice to get all dressed up & pretend to myself & everyone else that I did belong with Archie, even if it was only for just one day. But then I guess the whole point of fairy-tales it that they can never come true. They'd only lose their magic if they did I suppose. Even so, it would have been nice. Only then it all went wrong thanks to Stella & her nasty, mean-minded tricks. So I packed the dream away (to be taken out sometimes on long, lonely nights along with the moments on the train, at the station & in the kitchen), & did everything I could to get that slimy toad from the bank back on our side. Thank God we all pitched in together in time & he changed his mind or I don't know what would have happened! 

I don't know what's going to happen now though. My job is safe, I know that much. (Archie would never fire me for refusing him, it's illegal anyway, Molly would kill him & anyway, it's not his style). So I'll stay here, my home, knowing that I belong to the Estate at least, if not to Archie. Seeing & talking to him every day will surely be almost more painful than I can bare, but it's the price I must pay for ever having let myself dream. It wouldn't be so bad if I was the only one who knew, but I'd bet the Loch that Molly's known all along; she's never said anything, but I can see it in her eyes sometimes, she knows. Looking back, her hand on my shoulder at the Clan Gathering said all there was to say. Though I know she's fond of Katrina, she wanted it all along for Archie & I too; but now it's just another sorrow for her to add to far too long & far too hard a list. So all that's left to me now is just to slip back into the shadows, do my job the best way I can & try to protect my heart. 

Unless… I do as Archie says & take a chance on him & on us. People will talk of course, but that's nothing new, they've been doing that anyway; I've heard the whispers, really ever since Katrina left. There's been gossip, most often the kind that stops when I get too close – the kind that can only either be about me or bound to make me mad. It's like they think I'm deaf or stupid or something as well as everything else. People in the village aren't daft, they know I've had chances to go & is doesn't take a genius to see there's only one reason really strong enough to make me stay. No-one has ever dared say anything to my face though. I do try not to react to the gossip in public (tough as that can sometimes be), as that would only 'add fuel to the fire' & make Archie's trips to the village even more difficult. That's the LAST thing I want. 

There was talk about Archie & Stella for a while, as there was about Justine (a claymore through my heart if ever there was one), but people never really took it that seriously; they knew that try as they might & try as they both did, they'd never make it here long-term. I mean, let's face facts here; Archie was attracted to Justine precisely because she'd never fit in here. Maybe part of him thought if he stayed with Justine he'd never have to face his past, Glen Bogle's past? I don't know. 

Then there was Katrina. In a lot of ways that was different. Katrina was, still is, a friend of mine. Maybe, if that had worked out for them, given time & a bothy or croft on the Estate instead of rooms in the big house, I could have accepted it. But anyway, it wasn't to be. In the end they were either too different or too similar; no-one (especially them), ever seemed to be quite sure which. Whenever I think of Katrina I can't help thinking of the day she1st left. It was the day Lizzie's daughter Martha, was born. When all the fuss in the House had died down, I was singing wee Martha her first lullaby while Lizzie slept, when I heard Archie come walking up the drive. I wasn't surprised that he'd gone after Katrina, nor was I really surprised he came back alone. It hurt me badly to see the hurt in his face, but I'm ready to admit that it lit a flicker of hope in me. Even when Katrina returned for a while, as painful as that was at the time, the hope refused to die completely. Has that flicker gone out now? 

Stella, I can still hardly bare to think about her, the pain and anger are still far too raw. I know she helped in the end, but I just can't be objective about her. We one had or two good times whilst she was here (like the feast we had when the freezer defrosted due to the blackout caused by the 'Great Glen Bogle Strike'), but Stella wasn't there & it was a fun night not because of, but in spite of, her. For a very short while, I thought we might be friends, but then I saw that she was simply trying to drive a wedge between Archie & I. I do know one thing though. Even if they had paired off, Stella & Archie would eventually have faltered (with no help from me), because she'll always be the restless kind – reaching one place and only stopping long enough to look for the roadmap to the next, whereas Archie has found his place. Here, with me? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't share of romantic problems; there was Stuart the developer. He really sucked me in for a while & look what a slime-ball he turned out to be! 

One thing about Archie, even through everything, he never forgot about 'his Princess', me. He never forgot (even when I wanted him to so that I could tell myself I hated him). There was always a smile, a touch or sometimes even a hug, for the girl who hid herself in the shadows. Why did I choose to hide in the shadows when that's usually not my style at all? Why was I willing to lose him to Katrina? Maybe it was because this time was different. Archie's different and that scared me. What is it they say? If you set something free & it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with? Ok, so, sometimes, it took Archie a while to look, but the point is, he looked. 

And now? Now, Archie's finally holding out a hand to me, wanting me to step into the sun. So why am I so afraid? I knew right from that kiss at the station that I could never be in love with anyone else & yet now I'm still afraid. I'm afraid because the cover of the shadows was safe. I never had to risk anything in the shadows. Now though, those same shadows are cold. So cold. If I stay in them my heart will freeze. I can't let that happen; I won't let that happen! This time Molly's prediction will come true! I set Archie free & he came back; that must mean something! Hopefully it means it's time for me to feel the warmth of the sun. 

As for being the 'Laird's Wife', some people might say I'd got too big for my boots, but I realise now. that's their problem, not mine The most important thing is I love Archie. I know that & so does he. That love is going to give me all the courage I'll ever need to take a chance on happiness. Being Archie's wife will be great, he's handsome, kind, funny & gentle & he'll be there for me, just as I will for him. All I can do now is pray with all my heart that he still feels the same way he did earlier! If he does, there'll be things to learn & problems to solve, but that's ok because I won't be alone. Archie will be there with me; there to help, guide, & convince me, but most of all to love me. 

To heck with it! I want Archie to see me in my gown. I want to know if he likes his (hopefully) fiancée better in that or my usual clothes. At least then, if it is too late, I'll have another precious memory to hold onto if nothing else. 

Oh my Gosh! I didn't even tell him how handsome he looked; fine start to our new lives that would be! If I hurry & change he might be down by the loch, or still by the dance floor, maybe, just maybe… 


	2. Archie

**A Mid-Summer Ball's Thoughts**

**Archie**

I've blown it! There's no other way to put it, I've totally, completely blown it! I can't believe it! Oh sure, I helped get Glen Bogle back – that's great, it really is, for everyone else, but after all the work it's nothing more than a hollow victory for me. People keep coming up to me & slapping me on the back, congratulating me on getting Glen Bogle back together, but they don't understand. How could they? I didn't even understand myself until I walked out of the kitchen door just now. I now know that it means absolutely nothing to me without Lexie by my side to share it. 

How could I have been so blind?! So stupid! How could I not see what Stella was doing to us & how badly she was treating Lexie? All I could see, all I wanted to see was this phoenix of an Estate rising from the ashes. No, being in love was too much like having responsibilities, & I was never very good at either; that's what I'd tell myself, right before I buried my head back in the safe sand of more troubles with the bank or whatever. Love was for people who could afford the luxury. Yet I was all ready in it all along, only now it may be too late. 

Then there was Stella To me, she was the one with all the responsibilities. She was the one who had to answer to the Bank. I know the way she started out around here she/we messed up for a while but the House & Estate survived, just! We wouldn't be anywhere at all without Stella (Hell! Without her my parents would have lost their home!) & I'll never take the credit for much of that away from her, she deserves it. But then to try & destroy it all; & to do it, so she said, to be able to stay near me! That's crazy, frightening, bordering on obsession even! I should have known there was something up from Golly's reaction if nothing else; he's a shrewd judge of character & he avoided Ms. Moon whenever he could from day one. When I think what poor Lexie must have had to go through because of her! If Stella really loved me, she would have seen how much this dear place means to me, meant to me. How can it mean anything to me now? 

But now, I'm hopelessly trapped. With Jamie gone and our sister Lizzie unable (& unwilling) to inherit, there is no-one else, at least until I sign this place out of the stone-age when baby Martha grows up. So I must stay & be 'The Laird' (whomever he is), because the Estate needs a figurehead or it will crumble again, this time surely taking my parents, Golly, Duncan, Lexie & the rest down with it, & Katrina would have been right all along, but I can't stay. 

I can't stay because if I do my soul will eat away at itself until there's nothing left. Seeing Lexie every single day, talking to her but never saying anything, never being able to touch her (at least before this I occasionally got a friendly hug), acting like she's just another employee when all I really want to do is sweep her into my arms & kiss her senseless! A claymore in the heart would surely be easier. But when it comes down to it, we do both live here, so we'll have to find a way to talk to each other, eventually. 

This is all my own stupid, stupid fault! Why could I not just have started something with Lexie that day two years ago at the station? It would have saved everyone so much pain! If I'm brutally honest with myself, Justine & I were over when I didn't go back after that first ball. (She wasn't stupid, she saw in the end, even before I did that she was part of the mask I wore to convince myself & the world that I was coping even if I wasn't). Katrina would always have had to follow her ambitions someday with or without Fergal's appearance & her interest in politics; just like I thought I was doing when I 'escaped' to London. I realise now that London was always more about what I didn't want than what I did. I didn't want to see the blame in my father's eyes, or the pain in my mother's. I didn't want to meet Jamie's accusing ghost round every corner, asking why I hadn't done enough to save him, so instead I ran. I ran as hard, as fast & as far as I could; but all I learnt was you can't run from yourself. 

So in the end through no choice of my own, I stopped running, but I came back here & hid behind Glen Bogle instead. Even at their worse the Estate problems were an 'escape'. It was almost like, if I fixed the Estate's problems, did the work Jamie should have been here to do, Jamie would forgive me, father would forgive me, & then maybe, just maybe, I could start to forgive myself. 

That was why, once I'd decided to stay, I came up with so many ideas, so many schemes to get the House & the Estate back on track. That's why I let the Bank push me around, why I let them muscle in on my home, because I felt like I deserved it. Deserved the 'punishment'. Maybe that was even why things didn't work out for Katrina & I. For a while there, I thought I was in love with her; I really did, but maybe I couldn't truly give anyone my heart because it didn't belong to me again yet. After she left, I thought that if I kept busy enough during the day I'd hopefully be too exhausted to think of 'who or what might have been' at night. For the most part it worked, or so I wanted to think. But then disaster struck. I was so busy punishing myself, I let Stella in, let her use the job as cover to hurt the one person I knew in my heart of hearts could help me heal; Lexie. 

Oh, I know that I have only got myself to blame for my deservedly broken heart. How many times did I see the pain in Lexie's face as Katrina walked into a room? How many times did I hear the huge fights between Lexie & Stella & walk away, for the sake of a 'quiet life?' (which I never got anyway). How many times would I conveniently convince myself that their 'squabbles' were just because they were from different places, different backgrounds, or because Stella was an unwelcome outsider, intruding on Lexie's space & trying to change her way of life? I pushed those amazing, sweet kisses to the back of my memory (it's incredible how easily you can fool yourself if you really try!) Because I thought I wanted to, I mistook Lexie's 1-lines & acerbic wit for anger & self-confidence, when they really hid the pain I was causing her, by not admitting to myself or her, how I felt. I would even hear my name in those fights sometimes & still do nothing except pretend I was none the wiser try & smooth over the cracks. 

Sometimes I would get SO mad with Stella that, the hell with Estate & the Bank & everything, the only thing that stopped me from slapping her would be that it would give away my feelings for Lexie. Where's the crime in that anyway? 

Despite the fireworks, I'm ashamed to admit that, I was flattered to have 2 good-looking women fighting over my attention, what hot-blooded male wouldn't be? But that's no excuse. Even today when they were arguing today about the ball, I knew. Lexie backed down, not because she didn't want to go to the Ball (Duncan tells me she'd even hired a beautiful gown), but because she thought it was the right thing for her to do. When it was all going wrong she readily gave up on her dream night & stayed in the kitchen because she said that was where I needed her! To think I was taking her so that she wouldn't need to find out that that creep from the bank hated the meal that I now know Stella tricked her into cooking! How could I have been so selfish! 

My God! There were even times when Stella would storm away from 'the fight' having won a round, & I'd actually walk away sometimes even hearing Lexie crying quietly behind me; only to come back later & pretend to be her friend! To think, I even told her she always be 'My Princess'! I called her 'My Princess' but treated her like some kind of poor Cinderella whose place was in the kitchen. Of all the dumb things I've done in my life, that has to be, without any doubt the most cruel & cowardly. 

The fact that she still stayed by my shoulder (& gave me more than 'a run for my money' at times!) through all that, say more about guts, loyalty & friendship than words ever could. No-one could deny that Lexie is a good friend as a good housekeeper. 

I suppose, partly what stopped me from acting before was what I knew exactly what my father's attitude would be (pompous as ever), & how furiously I would react to it. I realise now (too late of course), that I have done what was right for my family & Glen Bogle, when what I should have done was all that & what was right for me; seeing past the end of my nose & reaching out for Lexie. Nobody else's reaction should have been important enough to stop me from taking a chance on being happy, but now it has been. 

The worst part, the part that will eat away at me, is that, even after all that, Lexie does love me! (Though God alone knows why!) She said so when she turned me down. All this time she has been willing to quietly stand at my shoulder, never once mentioning the time on the train, & watch as my foolishness slowly & painfully tore her dreams apart because she thought it was all for the best! Lexie refused to marry me because she honestly thinks she's not good enough to be the 'Laird's Wife'! She seems to think that the 'Laird's Wife' needs to be beautiful, graceful, clever & rich. Why can't she see that she is all of that & SO much more? If anything, with the appalling way I've treated her, she has proved herself over & over again to be far too good for an idiot like me! 

Ok, so she may not have much money, but then again, she hasn't seen my personal bank book lately! As for intelligence, I have no idea if she's well read or not, but I do know it's far from easy running a house the size of this & yet she does it virtually single-handed. I have lost count of the amount of times that a guest has asked has either given or asked me to pass onto her their gratitude for how well she has treated them, the little extras that in some cases have meant a second visit. If she ever asked me to help her with the china I can guarantee it would end up all over the floor! 

I should do more in the kitchen, I enjoyed helping out yesterday, it's what I'm trained for & it would take a little of the weight from Lexie's shoulders. After all, what's the point of being the Laird if you can't do what you enjoy every once in a while? And when it's useful so much the better. Mother could help out a little more to; not in the kitchen or with the antiques perhaps, but somehow. She all ready does a great job with the gardens. I'll think about it & talk to her. 

This beautiful Estate (with all of its joys & problems), may be my inheritance & ultimately my responsibility now, but it is Lexie's home. She told me herself that Glen Bogle was the only place she'd ever thought of as home. (How could I ever have blocked out the pain I saw & heard in her that day?!) She's lived round here all her adult life, ever since my mother took her in as a homeless waif at fifteen, whereas I laid eyes on Glen Bogle as an adult just 3 years ago. She, Golly & Duncan unquestionably know more about 'my' land & its people than I could ever hope to. If she really wants to learn any of the things she thinks a Lady needs to know that she does not, why will she not let me help her? She doesn't realise I'd be learning to. 

Our 'worlds' are not so far apart, not really. I just wish I knew of a way to get Lexie to see that! In a lot of ways my brother Jamie got all that, all the things Lexie thinks should separate us; the groundwork for being Laird. I, meanwhile, got to live a fairly normal life. I had a normal flat (in London, just about as far away from the whole Clan 'thing' as you could ever wish to get, which was the whole point), a fairly normal job & the normal responsibilities that go with all of that. Maybe that's why I'm never going to be quite good enough at this in my father's eyes. I might be my father's son, & he loves me (in his own way), & I love him but I was never meant to be his heir. That should have been Jamie's job & neither of us can ever really be expected to forget that. Sometimes I feel just as out of my depth as Laird as Lexie feels she would be as the Laird's wife. 

Anyway, if only things had turned out differently & Lexie & I decided to learn, would curling up in my arms by a roaring fire in the study as I read Shelly, Keats or whatever to her, or she gave me a Scottish history lesson be too much of a hardship? Is the thought of perhaps a moonlight stroll around our loch (hand in hand), talking about anything that caught our interest, too unpalatable? I should hope not! But there's no point torturing myself about it now, is there? God knows, I've done enough of that since that nightmarish day in the loch to last anybody a lifetime! 

As for beauty, grace, style, class & elegance, those Lexie has in spades, if only she would let herself see it! It took real class not to throw my faults back in my face just now, even though she would have well within her rights to do so! As for being attractive, well those beautiful eyes speak for themselves. Whether she's in jeans & a T-shirt doing the dusting or dressed as the bridesmaid for her mother's remarriage she's always looked stunning to me. 

That black dress she wore this afternoon may not have not have been her ball gown, (I seem to remember Duncan saying something about that being red). But when she came striding confident & furious into that tent to explain everything, reorganise us all & save the day (yet again), I had never seen anybody more beautiful. (I hope I get to see her in that dress again someday.) Anything she feels she wants to refine in the way of acting, speaking or whatever my mother could surely help her with. But Lexie need never try to change for me; as far as I'm concerned she's perfect exactly the way she is. 

Lexie's whole attitude today reminded me of an angry lioness protecting her cubs. Whatever about the rest of us, she was not going to give in without a fight & that was final! Unlike me, she'd been paying enough attention to what was going on around her to see who it was we were really fighting. When she spoke to me I could barely answer her for lack of breath, my words stumbled clumsily over themselves & I felt like my heart was about to break my ribs, it was pounding so hard! Countless times over these past three years my feelings for Lexie have had to be so obvious on my face, though no-one has ever mentioned it. I know for a fact that despite everything that's happened, both mother & Golly had my real number a while ago, so why didn't they talk some sense into me sooner?! (They probably thought I would have shouted them down & denied it & more than likely they would have been right). 

But especially now that I have FINALLY come to my senses, I can't think for, or second-guess, my beautiful Lexie. I would never want to (though there's nothing I want more than for her to give us a chance). So, as leaving is impossible & she has the right to stay as well, I'll just turn around, walk back to the house, hide behind my Laird's mask, do the best I can to protect my heart & someday maybe…


End file.
